


Baby, This is All I Could Be

by cashcakeplz



Series: Dark Times [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Complicated Relationships, Concerned!Michael, Forehead Kisses, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Morning After, Morning Kisses, No Smut, Part Two, Regret, Sad, Toxic Relationships, Unhappy Ending, abusive!ashton, bitter!calum, crying!luke, maybe part 3?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 13:34:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6081297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cashcakeplz/pseuds/cashcakeplz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The trust Luke places in him breaks Ashton’s heart because he’s crushed Luke, and maybe they’re both too far gone to be saved. In all honesty, Ashton doesn’t even remember hitting Luke, he almost never does. But he knows. He knows he’s angry when he’s drunk just like his mum is, and he knows that he probably hits hard, he hits things for a living, after all. Knowing all of this, Ashton is just astounded by the strength his boy carries on his frail shoulders. <br/>Luke carries his whole world, and Ashton repays him with a broken heart and a bruised face. </p>
<p>Or, part two of Promising Everything I Do Not Mean, the morning after</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby, This is All I Could Be

**Author's Note:**

> Hey babes!!  
> You ask, I supply!  
> Part two.   
> Hope you love it!!  
> XX-Alex

Luke’s body aches when he rolls out of bed the next morning. 

He tells himself that it’s because of the little alcohol he consumed last instead of the alternative. Ashton is still laying on the bed, his breathing steady now. He’s still naked, and his face is starting to swell up, but Luke still thinks he looks ridiculously handsome. 

What’s the matter with him? 

Why does Ashton get to look good all bruised, but Luke just looks like a victim? 

Maybe it’s because of the difference of fists that hit them. 

Luke slowly climbs out of bed, his limbs protesting painfully when he tries to move them. His back is throbbing especially hard this morning, and he knows why. He tries not to think about it as he makes his way across their mess of a room, the pale light streaking across his skin through a crack in the curtains. 

Their bathroom is relatively clean, and Luke knows it's because he doesn’t want to make Ash angry by spraying water everywhere. Ashton can be a bit of a neat freak about the bathroom. 

Grateful that he doesn’t have to work any clothes from his body, Luke turns on the faucet, making sure the water is warm, hot even to the point where it will burn into his skin. He sets a towel on the ground so he doesn’t drown the floor, and then carefully steps inside, pain flaring up his spine when he lifts his legs. 

The water feels heavenly on Luke’s skin, even if it beats against his bruised face a bit too hard. The water seems to be burning away the night before, and Luke wishes it could take the evidence of it too. Some of it goes away, and Luke nearly vomits when he sees the pinkish-red water flow into the drain. It’s blood, and Luke knows exactly where it came from as the water rushes down his thighs. 

It’s happened before, Ashton tearing him, but Luke still can’t quite get over the pain. Especially when Ashton wants to go another round before he’s healed properly. But Luke would do anything for Ashton, even if it means hurting his body permanently. 

It’s just another way to show that Luke’s been broken for Ashton through and through. He belongs to the older boy now. 

Luke tells himself that the drops running down his cheeks are coming from the shower, but it feels like a lie more than anything else. 

He washes his hair with his lavender shampoo, his defiance for Ashton, who says that the shampoo makes his hair smell girly, but never complains when he buries his nose in it. Then, carefully, he begins to wash his body with Ashton’s body wash, because it comforts him. He scrubs at his arms, wincing when feeling the bumps of forming bruises where Ashton held him down. Then around his torso and back, all the way down his legs, and over his cheeks, which sends pain starbursting all over his nerves. 

He lets out a shaky breath, and leans his head against the cool linoleum of the shower wall to collect his thoughts before facing his day. When he’s finished, he turns the shower off, and climbs out, careful to keep his water to a minimum as he dries off. His body feels thin and fragile under his towel, and Luke wraps the towel around his waist to keep himself from seeing the purpling skin of his hips. 

He turns to the mirror, and bites his lip at his reflection. His hair is laying limp on his forehead, as it always does when he’s soaking-wet, and his eyes look  _ hollow _ . His left cheek is already sporting a forming bruise from when Ashton hit him, and Luke knows he’ll have to hide this one from Calum and his brothers when they FaceTime him today. 

They’re the ones who worry the most, and they’re not even around Ashton that much. 

Luke looks away from the glass quickly, feeling nauseous at his reflection. Luke would be convinced that he’s the ugliest person in the world with the way he feels inside some days. Shattered, and dark, and hopeless. But Ashton reminds him how beautiful he is, and sometimes makes Luke look in mirrors until he can almost believe it too. 

Almost. 

Luke shuts off the lights to the bathroom, and makes his way out with quiet, practiced steps. He nearly jumps when he gets out, seeing Ashton sitting on the bed, facing away from him. Luke bites his lip, and proceeds into the room, telling himself he doesn’t need to be afraid. 

The alcohol is out of Ashton’s system now. Hopefully. 

As Luke starts to walk towards his suitcase, Ashton turns to him. His face is bruised, and his eyes are barely open, bleary and still half-asleep. But he sees Luke, and his features light up, so Luke thinks he’s dealing with Good Ashton today. 

“Hey baby.” Ashton says in a gravelly morning voice. Luke smiles. 

“Morning.” He returns gently. He doesn’t talk loudly anymore, especially in the mornings when Ashton is slightly hungover. 

Ashton leans back, stretching his muscles, and Luke eyes him for a moment before bending to reach his suitcase. When his back throbs ten times harder, he lets out a soft sound of pain by accident. This catches Ashton’s attention, and he looks at the younger boy for a moment. 

It’s then that he spots the bruise on his pretty boy’s face. 

“Luke.” He says gently. Luke bites his lip before looking at his boyfriend. 

“Yeah?” He asks, his voice lofty. Ashton frowns at Luke’s face. 

“C’mere.” He says. Luke drops whatever he was holding, and walks to Ashton slowly, his bruised body preventing him from speed. 

“Is something wrong?” Luke asks innocently as he stands between Ashton’s spread legs. He gently rests his palms on Ashton’s bare knees, and tries not to look at his naked cock. 

Ashton doesn’t say anything for a minute, just pushes Luke’s towel down for a second. When the towel reaches Luke’s protruding hip bones, a soft gasp escapes Ashton. Luke looks away, not wanting to see the disgust on Ashton’s face. 

Instead, he feels soft fingers touching his hip, and he flinches away out of reflex. Ashton frowns, and in a quiet, breathy voice, he asks: 

“Did I do this?” 

He sounds small and weak, and Luke’s heart breaks a little bit. He always hates the morning after, usually more than the night before. 

Luke knows lying will get him nowhere, so he nods slowly. He looks back at Ashton, who looks horrified. The older reaches a hand up, and strokes Luke’s cheek, right over the bruise. 

“And this?” He asks. Luke bites his lip, and nods. 

“Yeah. I’m sorry, I didn’t have time to cover it yet.” He explains softly. Ashton’s face is one of horror, his eyebrows knit together, and his mouth open as he stares at Luke. 

“Jesus.” Ashton whispers softly. Luke frowns again, and crosses his arms over his chest, not wanting Ashton to look at him anymore. But Ashton’s hands are cupping Luke’s hips, and the touch is  _ soft,  _ and Luke just can’t help himself. 

“Turn around.” Ashton says, his voice rough and choppy. It sounds like he’s about to cry. Luke kind of wants to laugh at that. 

“Why?” He asks. Ashton gives him a look, and Luke sighs. “Ashton, please, don’t, it’s okay-”

“It’s not okay.” Ashton snaps.His hands are still gentle on Luke, so Luke doesn’t flinch away, but his eyes go wide, and Ashton looks apologetic. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, stroking Luke’s purpled hips. “Please, Luke, will you just do this?” 

Luke is a sucker for Ashton, so he does as he’s asked, and tries not to feel panicked when Ashton works the towel from him, and looks at his ass. The younger balls his hands into fists when he hears Ashton gasp again, and he fights tears when Ashton’s hands spread his cheeks to see his hole. 

“Oh, Luke.” Ashton whispers quietly, Luke almost doesn’t hear it. Luke’s bottom lip trembles, and he lets out a sigh of relief when Ashton lets him go. He turns back around to his boyfriend, who is wearing an obvious frown. 

“Don’t be upset.” Luke says quietly. Ashton looks up at him with watery eyes. He looks so weak and vulnerable, Luke doesn’t understand how he can change so drastically. 

“Luke,” He says with a break in his voice. “I  _ hurt  _ you.” 

Luke bites his tongue to keep from saying that Ashton hurts him a lot, whether it be with his words or his hands. He doesn’t tell Ashton that he hurts him close to every night, and that his heart is beating too slowly in his chest because of it. He keeps his mouth shut to keep Ashton from beating himself up. 

Ignorance is bliss, after all. That’s why Luke usually covers his marks. 

“I know.” He says softly. Ashton looks at him with shame evident in his hazel eyes that Luke loves so much. 

“Why...why didn’t you tell me to stop?” He asks his younger boyfriend. Luke fists his hands, and steps back, shifting his weight as he shrugs, and when Ashton gets it, his face drops. 

“Oh god.” He says. He looks away from Luke for a second, like he’s about to be sick, and Luke doesn’t blame him, he just grabs his towel, and reapplies it around his waist. Ashton doesn’t need to see it anymore. 

“Ash.” Luke whispers. “It’s okay.” 

Ashton shakes his head, and runs his fingers through his hair. 

“No.” He says firmly. Luke flinches a little bit, and he’s grateful that Ashton doesn’t see it. “No, Luke, it’s not okay.”

“It is, really.” Luke says, and then he cups Ashton’s cheek, his thumb stroking a gash left by the man that touched Luke last night. “I...I deserved it.” 

Ashton’s frown deepens, and he looks at Luke with sad eyes. 

“ _ Nothing  _ you do could make you deserve this.” Ashton whispers. Luke frowns again, and steps away from Ashton, drawing his bottom lip into his mouth. 

“You’d be surprised.” He says quietly, because he doesn’t know if he wants Ash to hear him or not. 

Apparently he does, because Ashton scowls, and stands up. Luke stumbles backwards a little, staring at the floor. He’s like a goddamn spooked dog. Ashton just walks to him, and cups his jaw, staring into Luke’s eyes. 

“No, I wouldn’t.” He says. Then he places a kiss on Luke’s non-bruised cheek, and walks away to shower. Luke stands in place for a minute, feeling his stomach churn uncomfortably. He licks his lip, and forces back the tears that are threatening to escape because Ashton still hasn’t said  _ sorry _ , and Luke’s starting to wonder if he even  _ is. _

He shakes his head, and throws his towel to the ground, and gets dressed in a t-shirt and a pair of Ashton’s boxers. He knows Ash will be angry that he didn’t ask, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t have the strength to dig through his suitcase for a pair of his own. 

Sniffling, Luke leaves the bedroom of dirty sheets, and starts walking down the stairs even if each step he takes makes him want to double over in pain. He stumbles into the landing, grimacing at the pain in his side, and hobbles into the kitchen. 

To his absolute dismay, Calum is there, seated at the breakfast table, sipping on a glass of orange juice.  He frowns at the sight of him, sleepy, his hair a mess and his eyes tired before working up the courage to move into the room. when he does, Calum is quick to assess the damage. 

“Hey.” He says, setting his cup down. Luke nods to him, and Calum frowns, scanning over his best friend’s body. Luke feels uncomfortable under his gaze, and he shifts awkwardly. 

“Morning. How was your night?” He asks. He’s avoiding, of course, but he couldn’t care less right now. Calum just nods. 

“Good. Got home a few hours after you guys, you were both asleep when Mikey went to check on you.” He says. His voice is heavy, like he’s hiding something underneath his pleasant tone. Luke already knows what it is. 

“Oh. Yeah, we checked in pretty early, Ash was pretty hammered.” He whispers. 

“I can see that.” Calum says simply, sipping from his glass again. Luke frowns, and looks away. 

“I’m sorry.” He settles for eventually, because he doesn’t know  _ what  _ to say, and apologizing always seems like a safe way out for him. He doesn't know what he’s apologizing for, either. Maybe Ashton being as asshole at the bar, maybe not standing up for himself like he knows Calum wants. 

Maybe for everything. 

Calum doesn’t say anything, just gets a dark, exhausted look on his face. 

“I told you to be careful.” He whispers. Luke chuckles a little under his breath, and he looks over his shoulder at Calum. 

“I was.” He says humorlessly. Calum looks at him with a glare.

“You call that careful?” He asks. Luke sighs, and turns to him. 

“You don’t wanna see what happens when I’m not.” He says quietly, looking at his feet. Calum slams his glass down on the table, and Luke jumps. Calum is glaring right at him, and Luke knows why. 

Why does he keep screwing up? 

“I have.” Calum says. His voice is low and dangerous, and he stands up, walking to Luke.. Luke leans away from him out of reflex.  He touches the bruise on Luke’s face softly, and is still glaring at Luke like a naughty little puppy. Luke swallows, and leans away, knocking Calum’s hand away. Calum steps back. 

“Just stop, Calum.” Luke says softly. He turns away from his best friend, and looks at the counter slowly. He hears Calum huff from behind him. 

“You just don’t get it, Luke.” He says, and then he walks away. Luke’s heart breaks a little bit because  _ Ashton  _ said that to him last night, but for a much different reason. Luke knows he’s pushing Calum away, and he doesn’t mean to, because he  _ loves  _ Calum, but he loves Ashton too, and right now it seems like he can’t have them both. 

And Luke would sacrifice his own life before he gave up Ashton. 

He swallows the lump rising in his throat, admonishing himself for wanting to cry, because he’s so  _ weak _ , and he just can’t help it. He grips the counter so tight his knuckles turn white, and when he gets back to himself, he blinks away the stinging, and reaches for a bowl in the cupboard. 

The pain makes him want to cry again, and Luke just  _ hates  _ what he does to himself.

He eats in silence alone at the breakfast table, shovelling soggy Cheerios into his mouth because they remind him of home, and being a little boy with his big brothers to watch over him. He misses home, and he wants to see Jack and Ben and his mum and his dog. 

He wants to go back when things were simple, when Ashton saved him from those bullies at the cinema. He wants to go back to falling in love instead of drowning in it.  

Luke pushes the bowl away from himself in disgust because he  _ can’t  _ go back to the past, and all he can do now is plan for the future. So, he puts his bowl in the sink and washes it out himself instead of leaving his bandmates to do it, and tells himself to man up. 

He doesn’t grimace when he walks up the stairs, because the pain is his fault, because he didn’t say  _ no _ when he should have. As he walks to his room, he passes Michael and Calum’s, and hears them argue inside. 

“I don’t care, Michael, this has gone on for too long.” 

That’s Calum, and it sounds like he’s upset. Luke hopes he isn’t crying. He hates when his bandmates are sad. He hears Michael groan from inside. 

“Calum, baby. Luke is a big boy, he can take care of himself.” 

“Don’t  _ baby _ me, Michael.” Calum snaps. He can almost see Michael roll his eyes. “You and I both know he can’t.” 

Luke feels his heart tear a little, and he listens more intently. 

“The boy is eighteen, he  _ can,  _ Calum.” Michael says. “He’s been with Ashton long enough to know how to handle him.” 

“ _ Michael _ .” Calum begs. “He’s bruised today, and I know it’s not from falling into a wall. It’s from  _ Ashton _ .” 

“I know, Calum.” Michael says, and his voice raises a bit. “I  _ know  _ what Ashton does to him. I’ve  _ seen  _ it.” 

Luke’s breath is punched from his lungs as he remembers a few months ago when Michael had walked in on him and Ashton arguing over plane tickets back home. Ashton has gotten angry with Luke for being so adamant on going home, and he had grabbed Luke’s wrist in one hand, and went to slap him with the other. Luke had cowered, and refused to fight back when Michael opened the door. 

Luke looked in horror at the boy who apologized immediately, and closed the door, the force making the bottle of beer Ashton had finished minutes before topple over. 

“We can’t let this happen to him anymore, Mike.” Calum says. His voice is quieter now, humbled by Michael’s admission. “Luke, he’s...he’s  _ fading _ , and I’m afraid that if we don’t do anything, he might  _ disappear _ completely.”

Luke frowns, because he knows Calum is right. 

“It’s their relationship, Calum. We have no right to butt in.” Michael whispers softly. 

“We have the right as Luke’s friends. We have the right to make sure he’s safe.” Calum argues. Luke hears Michael sigh. 

“He is safe. You know Ashton wouldn’t do  _ anything  _ to endanger Luke’s safety.” Michael says softly. “He  _ loves  _ Luke, and Luke loves him, and as far as I can tell, Luke is happy.” 

Calum huffs, and the bed creaks, like one of them got off it, and is walking to the other. 

“Luke still sees Ashton as his knight in shining armor, y’know.” Calum says quietly. Luke can tell he’s crying now, and it makes his heart feel heavy in his chest. “I just wish we could make one of them see what they’re doing to Luke.” 

Michael sighs, and there’s movement, and Luke knows Michael is comforting the taller boy. 

“I do too, Cally.” He says, muffled, probably by Calum’s hair. “But it’s in their hands, and there’s not much we can do. Even if we do talk to them. It’s their fate that they’re charged with,  _ they  _ have to make that decision.” 

Calum lets out a little hiccup, and Luke’s heard enough. He walks away from his concerned best friends, and enters his room, watching as Ashton pulls on a shirt. Ashton turns when he hears the door swing open, and his gaze is soft on Luke. 

“Hi.” He says. Luke smiles weakly at him, and sits down on the bed. He needs to change the sheets. They’re dirty. 

“Did you eat something?” Ashton asks. Luke nods, and twists his fingers together in his lap. “Good.” Ashton says, biting his lip softly. His eyes are lingering on Luke’s bruise, and Luke feels his cheeks heat up. 

“You don’t have to stare at it.” He whispers. Ashton comes closer. 

“Well, I can’t just ignore it.” He says. 

“Never stopped you before.” Luke says, and it’s shocking, hearing  _ biting  _ words coming from his own mouth without his permission. Ashton looks surprised by it too, and his eyebrows raise. Luke isn’t one for confrontation or rashness. 

“I know.” He says eventually. He looks ashamed, but Luke doesn’t buy it. “I’m sorry.” 

Luke shakes his head. 

“Don’t.” He whispers. “It’s fine, let's just forget it, okay? Please?” 

Ashton frowns, and looks at Luke with hesitation. 

“I can’t just forget it, Luke. Not this time.” 

“Ashton, please? I don’t wanna remember it. I just wanna move on. New day, clean slate.” He says softly. He’s changed from when he was young. His inner light has dimmed a little, and his eyes aren’t as bright as they used to be. He doesn’t care. 

Ashton nods eventually, and turns away to get ready. 

“What do you want to do today?” He asks. Luke shrugs, his mind reeling. 

“I think I might just stay here, watch Netflix or something.” He whispers. Ashton chuckles, and looks at Luke in the mirror. 

“C’mon, Lukey. We’ve only got a few days off left, we should go out.” He says. Luke frowns again. 

“Um, Ash, I can’t really...walk.” He says with an awkward smile. Ashton’s face is conflicted now, somewhere between surprised, disgusted, and smug. 

Luke doesn’t know how to feel about it either. 

“Oh.” Ashton says eventually.

They’re quiet after that. Luke climbs onto Ashton’s side of the bed, and scrolls through the older boy’s phone, too lazy to grab his own as his boyfriend gets ready. He lays under the comforter, slightly comforted by the calmness of the scene. He’s always loved mornings with Ashton, and his mind gets caught in remembrance of times that he probably won’t get back. 

Smiling with Ashton when they watch movies in the basement, or lazy morning sex when Luke would ride Ashton until the older boy was ready to cry. Luke remembers the first time Ashton told him he loved him, and his chest aches. 

He also remembers the first time Ashton hit him, two weeks after he told him he loved him. 

Almost two years ago, just after Luke’s sixteenth birthday. The boy had apologized  _ profusely _ , and Luke had bought it 100 percent, and now, years later, he still does. 

Even if Ashton doesn’t apologize anymore. 

Luke is drawn from his thoughts when a hand gently touches his waist. 

“I’m leaving.” Ashton says softly. Luke nods, and grips the pillow under his head before handing Ashton his phone. 

“I’m sorry for hurting you, Luke.” He says softly. Luke nods, but doesn’t look at the older boy. Ashton just sighs, and kisses Luke’s temple. “I love you. Get some rest, baby.” 

Luke swallows, and tries to fight the tears that are slowly escaping his eyes. But when the door closes, they slip out, and then Luke can’t stop it, and he’s so  _ tired _ , and it feels pretty good, crying, letting some of his emotions out. He’s so devoid of emotion these days that sometimes he wonders if he even has any left. 

So, he curls up on his side, and grips Ashton’s pillow, and cries quietly into it, his body shaking with sobs. He  _ loves  _ Ashton so, and he knows Ashton loves him too, and Luke doesn’t know when loving someone became an  _ excuse _ for letting them destroy you. Luke wishes he was strong enough to say that if Ashton  _ really  _ loved him, he wouldn’t feel this broken inside and out. 

It’s Michael who comes next. Beautiful, understanding Michael who has loved Luke since day one, and would carry the  _ world  _ for Luke and his blue eyes. 

“Lucas.” He says, entering the room without knocking, and forgoing the greeting by climbing in the bed beside the smaller boy, who is still crying a little bit. 

“Mikey.” Luke says quietly. “I’m sorry, the bed...it’s dirty.” 

Michael shrugs, and wraps his arms around Luke’s middle, spooning him. 

“Mine and Cal’s is too.” He says, and Luke chuckles a little, wet and sad, but better now that Michael’s here. 

“What’s the matter?” Michael asks, stroking a hand through Luke’s soft hair gently. Luke sniffs, and shrugs. 

“I don’t know.” He whispers, and that’s the truth, because he doesn’t  _ know  _ what’s going on around him. 

“Ash isn’t here.” Michael points out, tapping on Luke’s collar bone. “He and Cal went out to sightsee or something. You can tell me.” 

Luke hiccups. 

“But I  _ don’t know _ what’s wrong with me, Mikey.” He whispers. Michael cuddles him tighter, and even if they’re not dating, Luke can  _ feel  _ the love Michael is smothering him with. 

“There’s nothing wrong with  _ you _ . You’re just going through a bad time.” Michael says. Luke closes his eyes tightly. 

“Ashton hits me.” He whispers. Michael nods, and squeezes Luke. 

“I know. I’ve seen him do it.” He says quietly. Luke takes a deep inhale before continuing. 

“I don’t know how to feel about him.” He says. Michael nods. 

“Do you like when he hits you?” Michael asks. Luke bites his lip before shaking his head. 

“It hurts when he does. I don’t...I don’t like it, it’s not him.” He says. 

“You’re right. Has he ever hit you when he’s sober?” 

Luke feels a few tears trickle down his face as he shakes his head because Ashton is never anything but  _ sorry  _ when he’s sober. 

He shakes his head. 

“No, not ever.” He says into the comforter. Michael nods. 

“He cares about you so much, Luke. And so do we. Please don't be angry with Calum, he's just trying to keep you safe.” He says. Luke shuts his eyes again. 

“I'm not...I'm not angry with him.” He stutters. “I don't get mad anymore. I...hardly feel anything.” 

Michael let's out a hurt sound, and strokes the younger boy's tummy. 

“You'll be okay, mate. I promise.” He says. He shoves his nose into Luke's neck, and sighs. “We're gonna fix this.”

“I don't think you can.” Luke says weakly. He's crying again, but Michael is warm, and  _ safe _ , and when he doesn't respond, Luke drifts. 

When he wakes up again, Michael is gone, and Ashton is sitting by him. He rolls over onto his back, and looks at the older boy, who has a book in his hands. 

“You're back.” He whispers groggily. Ashton turns to him, and strokes a hand through Luke's hair. 

“Hi. How’re feeling?” Ashton says. Luke smiles a little, and nods. 

“Okay.” He says softly. Ashton nods slowly, and his hand trails down until it's resting in the curve of Lukea hip. “There's some dinner downstairs if you want it.” 

Luke looks up at Ashton for a moment, just gazing at his features. 

“We're not...going out tonight?” He whispers. Ashton nods. 

“You're obviously in no shape to go out, and I'd rather stay and watch you than go get drunk with  _ Malum _ .” He says with a little giggle. Luke returns his smile, and is completely overcome with how  _ relieved  _ he is that they're staying in tonight. How good it feels to have Ashton here with him,  _ watching  _ over him, giggling and happy, and one hundred percent  _ sober.  _ It's sad that this emotion feels like a long lost friend for Luke. 

“Oh.” He says. Ashton smiles at him, and presses a kiss to his cheek. Luke feels butterflies erupt in his tummy, and he blushes like a twelve year old. Ashton's always had that effect on him when his kisses are out of affection rather than acting as an apology. 

The next few hours are spent with the two of them curled up on the couch, under a huge blanket. Ashton made Luke macaroni and cheese for dinner, and let Luke pick the movie. Luke picked Hercules for the hundredth time in a row, and here they are, cuddled in Luke's comforter, the younger boy curled up in Ashton’s lap, his head resting in Ashton's shoulder while the older boy traces shapes into his back. 

It's peaceful here, and no outsider would be able to guess that the bruise on Luke's face is from the boy he's currently cuddled against. Luke supposed that's how love is sometimes. It varies, it isn't just black and white. Ashton is a good person, and days like this remind Luke of why he puts up with being smacked around. 

This is the  _ real  _ Ashton, the boy with honey curls and dimples and giggles, the one who  _ saved  _ Luke from a normal life. Luke knows that he's present always, even when it's hidden under layers of stress and alcohol. 

This is the Ashton that Luke has decided is worth fighting for, and he would rather take a hundred slaps to the face from him than lose him completely. It's a brutal ultimatum, but no one ever said this would be easy, and Luke has accepted that challenge. 

“C’mon, baby.” Ashton says softly against Luke’s hair. “It’s late, let’s get up.” 

Luke whines in protest, his body still weak, and Ashton breaks almost immediately. He scoops Luke up in his arms, and stands from the couch. Luke is so small in his arms, and his body is bruised and weak, and Ashton feels so  _ ashamed _ . He doesn’t  _ deserve  _ this boy, who relies on him so heavily. This boy who is curling his hands against Ashton because he knows Ashton won’t let him fall. 

The trust Luke places in him breaks Ashton’s heart because he’s  _ crushed  _ Luke, and maybe they’re both too far gone to be saved. In all honesty, Ashton doesn’t even  _ remember  _ hitting Luke, he almost never does. But he knows. He knows he’s angry when he’s drunk just like his mum is, and he knows that he probably hits  _ hard,  _ he hits things for a living, after all. Knowing all of this, Ashton is just  _ astounded  _ by the strength his boy carries on his frail shoulders. 

Luke carries his whole  _ world,  _ and Ashton repays him with a broken heart and a bruised face. 

Ashton sets Luke down on the bed upstairs, and strokes his hair softly away from his eyes. Luke has fallen almost completely asleep, and Ashton can’t take looking at him anymore. 

Feeling nothing but empty, Ashton leaves Luke to find peace at the bottom of a bottle somewhere far away. Somewhere where he can’t reach Luke. 

 

-

 

It happens again a couple weeks later. 

It’s stupid, their argument. Luke can hardly remember how it started, but it’s bad this time, because  _ he’s  _ drunk too. 

And everyone knows fighting fire with fire solves nothing. 

It started as it always does, Ashton finding someone to pick a fight with in the bar next to the hotel they’re staying in. Luke watches him get into the fight from the side bitterly, his other two bandmates completely MIA. Luke knows they ran off sometime before, probably off to find a supply closet so Calum can suck Michael off. 

Michael will stroke Calum’s hair, and praise him and his mouth and his pretty puppy eyes. Ashton doesn’t praise Luke anymore. 

They hardly have sex when he’s sober, and sex with Drunk Ashton just feels like a punishment for Luke now. His eyes are dead anyway, no one would want to praise them. 

Ashton is getting punched right now, and Luke isn’t stepping in, just sipping from his gin and juice. He doesn’t know what’s different tonight, usually he doesn’t drink at all, and keeps an eye on his explosive boyfriend. He doesn’t have an excuse, but the fire in his chest is burning a little brighter than it usually does, and Luke may be finally starting to understand why Ashton drinks so much now. 

Smiling at his thought, Luke knocks back the rest of the drink, and doesn’t see Ashton coming. The older boy reaches him, and grabs his arms tightly, dragging him away from the bar. 

“Let’s go.” He demands. There’s no room for argument, and Luke usually goes, but today it doesn’t agree with him. 

“No, I wanna stay here.” He protests. Ashton turns to him, and scowls. 

“What?” He asks. Luke shrugs. 

“I don’t wanna go back yet.” He insists. Ashton’s look turns dangerous, and Luke can tell that he’s barely containing his rage. 

“Luke. We’re going back.” He says simply. Luke shakes his head, and yanks his arm from Ashton’s grasp. 

“No. I’m not leaving.” He says stubbornly. Ashton’s had enough. He steps in front of Luke, wrenches the glass from his hand, and slams it down on the counter. He grabs Luke's hand in his, squeezing the fragile bones harshly, and drags him out of the bar, ignoring the cautious glances from other people around the building. 

Luke doesn’t bother fighting it, just pouts as Ashton drags him into the hotel. He doesn’t feel frightened for once, just  _ tired.  _ Ashton seems angrier than ever, and Luke’s rational mind is thinking a mantra of  _ shitshitshit _ , but Luke ignores it, and fights down the panic bubbling in his throat as Ashton pulls them into their hotel room. 

Ashton pushes Luke down when they get in, and Luke stumbles, falling on his ass to the floor. He looks up at Ashton almost calmly as Ashton throws his keys and wallet on the side table. Sober Luke would have jumped, maybe shimmied away and stayed down, but Drunk Luke is different. Drunk Luke is bold, and unafraid. He stands to his full height, towering over his boyfriend. 

“Why are being so damn difficult, Luke?” Ashton says, his tone dripping in anger. Luke glares at him. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He throws out sassily. Ashton’s glare sharpens in fury. 

“You were being a little  _ bitch  _ at the bar.” 

Luke feels numb to the hurt coursing through him, the alcohol steeling his soft heart. 

“Because you’re acting like a total asshole.” He mutters. Ashton steps to him, and gets in his face. 

“What did you say?” He asks. Luke giggles, and steps back. 

“I said you’re acting like a total  _ asshole _ !” He laughs, completely carefree. Ashton’s jaw twitches, and before Luke can even  _ think  _ about what that means, a fist is connecting with his stomach. 

He falls back, the breath knocked from his lungs. Ashton just punched him like he does the guys at the bars. Not a little slap to the face, a  _ punch _ , and a furious expression to go with it. 

Luke laughs a little from the floor, and he sits up. He looks at Ashton with a stony face. 

“Feel better?” He asks. His own words seem to sober him a little bit, and the punctures in his heart are  _ burning _ now. There’s tears in his eyes, but they won’t fall, not until Ashton  _ beats  _ them out of him. He’s ready. He’s ready to be the outlet Ashton needs. 

“Not quite.” Ashton says. Luke clenches his jaw, and he stands up. He pushes Ashton back, and the older boy, not expecting it, stumbles. 

“C’mon, Ash.” Luke insists. Ashton looks at him angrily. “C’mon, I know you have more in you. You can hit  _ way  _ harder than that, I’ve  _ felt  _ it!” 

Ashton curls his hand into a fist, and unable to think, launches it into Luke’s face. Luke falls down on the bed, his nose cracking and spurting blood all over his face. 

“Is that what you’re looking for?!” He yells Luke spits out a mouthful of blood, and lays his head back on the bed. 

“ _ Not quite _ .” He mocks with a laugh. Ashton explodes in rage, and drags Luke off the bed, and onto the floor. He sits on Luke’s chest, and looks into his face. 

“You’re just never satisfied, huh? You want me to hit you? Fine!” 

He slaps Luke hard to the right, and then to the left. Luke’s crying now, Ashton’s finally worked the tears out of him. Ashton keeps slapping him, and Luke know it's his fault this time, because he  _ drank _ , and he provoked, and Ashton will be so  _ angry  _ with himself in the morning. 

Ashton finally stops after a minute, and Luke coughs. Ashton climbs off him, setting back on his ass, breathing hard. Luke rolls over onto his stomach, and coughs again, grimacing when blood comes from his mouth. He sniffs, and wipes his face, soaking his sleeve with a disgusting mixture of blood and tears. He sighs, and looks over at Ashton, who is... _ crying _ . Luke frowns, but doesn’t say anything, just crawls over to the older boy, who is sobbing into his hands. 

It’s over now. Both of them are done, both of them have worked through their red-hot emotions, and are coming down off the high. All it leaves is a war path that they’ll have to sort through in the morning. Ashton’s never cried like this, and Luke’s never provoked like this, and Luke wonders if they’re going crazy. 

He wouldn’t be surprised. 

The blonde boy, who is still bleeding from his nose and mouth reaches a hand out until he can grab one of Ashton’s. He interlaces their fingers, and brings them to the floor. 

“I love you, Ashton.” He says because that's what  _ matters _ . 

Luke wonders how long he’ll keep telling himself that until it becomes true. But then his head throbs because that beating he just took hurt, and he’s never been very good at handling his liquor. 

He looks at the hand in his own, split and bloody, and at his shirt, covered in blood and tears. They’ll have to explain this to Calum and Michael in the morning, and to each other, because hopefully, neither of them will remember how this happened when they wake up. 

What a mess they’ve made. 

 

-

 

“Luke, baby, can we talk?”

Luke looks away from the mirror he was looking in to his boyfriend, who is standing in the doorway, his weight on the frame like  _ he’s  _ the one who needs the support. He sets the makeup he was using down, and smiles at Ashton through the glass. 

“Sure.” He says softly. His face is still healing from their argument a week ago, but other than that, it’s been good. No alcohol or slaps. He walks to Ashton, and the older boy offers a hand, which Luke takes happily. Ashton holds his hand lightly, instead of squeezing the bones like he does when he angry. 

He leads the boy into their room, and sets Luke down on the bed. Luke looks up at him with curious blue eyes. 

“What’s up?” He asks softly. Ashton smiles, and strokes the smooth skin of his cheek. 

“Hi.” He says. Luke smiles slightly, and takes Ashton’s hand from his face, interlacing their fingers smoothly. 

“Hey.” He returns. “Is something wrong?” 

Ashton’s smile becomes a little sad, and he bites his lip before answering. 

“Look, Luke, there’s only one way to do this, and it’s to just kinda spit it out.” He says. Luke frowns. 

“What?” 

“I think we need to take a break.” Ashton says in a hurried voice. Luke stops thinking for a second, and his heart stops beating. He drops Ashton’s hand, and his mouth dries up with Ashton’s words. 

“ _ W-What _ ?” He says eventually, his voice weak and broken. Ashton smiles sadly at him. 

“I think we need some time apart.” He says, his voice pained like it hurts him to say this. Luke understands. It hurts to  _ hear  _ it too. 

“Time apart?” He asks in a soft voice. Ashton nods. 

“Yeah, baby.” He says. Luke flinches back, taking his hand away from Ashton’s. 

“What? Why!” He yells. Ashton bites his lip, and crouches down, making Luke feel like some little kid rather than his boyfriend. 

“Luke.” He says softly. “You know why.” 

Luke shakes his head, and closes his eyes. 

“No.” He says softly. “No, Ashton.” 

Ashton sighs. 

“Luke, I’m hurting you, baby.” Ashton whispers. Luke shakes his head again, and leans away from his boyfriend. 

“Ashton, just stop.” He says with finality. “Please.” 

“No.” Ashton snaps. “This has gone on long enough, and we need to do something about it.” 

“No, we don’t.” Luke whispers. Ashton rolls his eyes, and stands up. 

“Luke, do you not understand?” He says seriously. “Do you not  _ get  _ how bad this is?” 

Luke turns his face away from Ashton, feeling like a scolded child as tears start to build in his eyes. 

“No, I do. After all, I’m the one covering bruises, not you.” He says with a bite to his tone. Ashton looks taken aback, and his jaw flexes. Luke isn’t scared right now, Sober Ashton wouldn’t hurt him. 

“That’s my point, Luke.” He says in a quiet tone. “I don’t want you to have to cover bruises anymore.” 

Luke frowns. 

“Then stop drinking.” He whispers. Ashton sighs, and tightens his hands. 

“It’s not that simple.” 

“Not that simple?” Luke demands, turning on Ashton. “What’s so fucking complicated about putting the bottle down?”

“Because I  _ need  _ it, Luke!” Ashton screams back. Luke glares at him. 

“What the hell do you need from it?” 

Ashton sighs, and turns away from Luke. 

“You wouldn’t understand.” 

“Well make me, then. Please try to dumb it down so I can understand!” Luke yells back. Tears slip from his eyes, and fall down his face. Ashton shakes his head. 

“I just need to let go, okay? I just need a  _ break  _ from all this shit we put up with. I need a break from the fans, from the media, and yes, Luke, I need a break from  _ you _ .” He snaps out. Luke feels his heart break a little, and anger flares in him. 

“So, let me get this straight, to get a  _ break  _ from me, you beat the shit out of me?” He asks softly, his voice rough and breaking. Ashton hangs his head, and quietly breathes out of his nose for a minute. 

“I never mean to.” He says softly. Luke’s bottom lip trembles. “I don’t...I just get so  _ angry _ , and you’re there, and you just sit back, and  _ take  _ it, and I don’t understand why.” 

Luke lets out a sound that’s closer to a sob than the laugh he was aiming for. 

“You don’t  _ understand _ ?” He asks. “Jesus, Ashton, it’s because I  _ love  _ you.” 

Ashton scowls, and turns to his younger, sobbing boyfriend. 

“That’s not an excuse, Luke.” 

“I didn’t say it was.” Luke answers softly. “I deal with all the  _ shit  _ you put me through because I’ve loved you since the minute I met you, and I am not  _ ready  _ to give you up. Not now, not  _ ever _ .” 

“You  _ have  _ to! Okay? I’m afraid that I’ll seriously hurt you if we don’t do something about it.” Ashton argues back.

Luke clenches his jaw, and tries to stop the flow of tears escaping his eyes. 

“I don’t  _ want  _ to.” He says quietly. “I don’t care what you do to me.”

Ashton pinches the bridge of his nose before snapping. 

“Well I do! I’m so  _ sick  _ of seeing you so hurt, and knowing  _ I  _ did it, but not remembering it at all! Look at you, Luke, you can hardly open your eye because I  _ hit  _ you so fucking hard!” 

“I provoked you. I  _ told  _ you to hit me.” He whispers. Ashton slams his hands down on one of the tables. 

“Damn it, Luke! Why can’t you just  _ listen  _ to me?” He yells in exasperation. Luke flinches a little, and swallows a lump in his throat. 

“I am listening, Ashton. I just think it’s  _ bullshit _ .” He says. Ashton turns to him, his face dangerous. Luke’s only ever seen it on Drunk Ashton, never Sober Ashton. 

“Bullshit?” He asks. All of Luke’s muscles tighten as Ashton stalks over to him. The older grabs Luke’s face in his hands, and Luke looks up at him, tears streaking down from his eyes. 

“What now, Ashton?” Luke whispers. “Are you gonna hit me again?” 

He and Ashton stare into each other’s eyes for a moment before Ashton breaks, and sighs. He strokes a hand through Luke’s hair before crouching in front of him, and placing a hand on his knee. 

“I’m sorry, Luke.” He whispers. “I’m sorry that this is what this has come to.” 

Luke stares at him. 

“It doesn’t have to be this way.” He whispers. 

“I need to get help, Luke. I need to talk to someone or something, because I don’t wanna lose you  _ either _ .” He whispers, his fingers stroking Luke softly. “But right now, our relationship...it’s not  _ good _ .” 

“I need you to be safe. And if that means being away from me from a while, then so be it.” Ashton says. He takes both of Luke’s hands in his own, and squeezes them. “I love you too much to see you like this. It’ll break both of us if it continues. I’ve been talking to Michael and Calum. They’re right, Luke. You’re fading away, and I...I know why. I  _ refuse  _ to watch you burn yourself away because of me.” 

Gentle tears are falling from Luke’s eyes, and his heart  _ aches  _ so much that he wouldn’t be surprised if it’s actually broken in half. 

“But it’s my choice.” He says. Ashton shakes his head. 

“Please just listen to me, Luke. If not you, then for me.” He says seriously. 

Luke bites his lip to keep himself from letting out a sob. Ashton notices, and so he reaches up, and grasps Luke’s face in his hands, leaning their foreheads together. 

“I’m not saying forever.” He says softly. “I  _ need  _ you in my life, Luke, and I’ve been so selfish, holding on to you when I knew I was hurting you. Hell, I love you so much that I can barely  _ breathe  _ when you’re around sometimes, and seeing you bruised and broken, but still so in love, I just...I can’t do it. This is what’s best for both of us. A little time apart, time for me to fix my... _ issues _ , and time for you to have the strength to handle me.” 

Luke lets out a choked sound, and let his hands tangle in Ashton’s hair. 

“How l-long?” He whispers out. Ashton smiles sadly. 

“As long as it takes.” He answers. Luke closes his eyes as Ashton presses a kiss to his lips gently. Luke accepts it, opening his mouth slightly to taste Ashton’s for what feels like the last time. 

Ashton pulls away after a second, and strokes Luke’s hair for a second before standing up. 

“I’m sorry, baby. For everything.” He whispers. 

Then he’s gone, walking out of the room slowly, and closing the door tightly behind him. Luke listens as his footsteps fade away, and the door to the outside of the house closes, taking Ashton with it. 

When he’s sure Ashton is gone, he curls up onto his side, and grips the blanket in his hands. He can’t fight the tears that fall down his face. 

His face aches with the bruises Ashton left on him, but it’s nothing compared to the ache in his chest of the heart that Ashton just broke into a hundred little pieces. 

Luke doesn’t know if he can put himself together this time. 


End file.
